Vacation Time
by gabriel ricard
Summary: Number five in the ff7 series. Avalanche and Gabe head to hawaii for a little R and R but knowing my twisted evil mind the get the exact opposite. please review


A Final Fantasy Fan Fic

"Vacation Time"

Written By Gabe Ricard

The FF7 series continues here with number five which is the standard "Lets put the FF7 characters in a vacation series and watch the fun begin!" except THIS one will have my trademarks of mindless celebrity cameos and gratuitous violence. Two quick note, while I haven't to this point given credit to the owners of FF7 and so on I have to give credit to my favorite fan fic site Barret Wallace Avalanche Hideout for the term "Ohmygodtheburgerbarked!"Which came from one of their fan fics. The other note is that as an experiment I will not be censoring any swear words. If no one cares or someone says the fan fic was better as the result of it I will keep doing that. If enough people tell its not a good idea I'll change it back to $@#^ That's it enjoy the fan fic and be sure to review even if its to tell me how much this fan fic sucks! (If you do think it sucks at least give a valid reason)

"So where should we go?" asked Cloud standing in front of Avalanche and Gabe on a cold rainy day at Cid's house in rocket town.

"Shinra-Land?" suggested Yuffie who was promptly yelled down with insults.

"I aint going to no Shinra-Land for MY vacation!" remarked Barret throwing chair at Yuffie.

"How about Hell?" suggested Vincent. Cloud who couldn't tell if he was serious or not, ignored him.

"How about Camp Ohmygodtheburgerbarked?" suggested Aeris.

"Wrong fan fic." Replied Cloud.

"How about Hawaii?" suggested Gabe who had been pretty quiet through the entire conversation.

Everyone was silent for a moment before all agreeing at the same time. "Well I guess that settles it." Said Cloud turning to Gabe. "Gabe, since that dumb ass Cid broke the airship while working on it, you call for the plan tickets and we'll leave tomorrow." Gabe nodded and headed to the phone while everyone else broke off into smaller groups.

"I can't believe one of the worlds best mechanics can fuck up his own fucking airship." Muttered Gabe dialing the phone to Shinra Air the only airliner in the world. "Hello? Yes I would like to reserve twelve first class plan tickets to Hawaii."

"Okay" replied the voice on the other line. "Let me get a price on that for you." After a moment of silence the teller picked up the phone. "Yes for twelve first class tickets that will come to to 1, 

468,678,877,343,223,313,434,413,121,666,223,987 gill."

Gabe was about to say something but stopped "This is Rufus isn't it?"

"Yes." Replied Rufus after a moment of silence.

"More of your wanting to meet the common people crap huh?"

"Damn right!" replied Rufus.

Gabe sighed "Well, watch out for the chain saw wielding maniac that will appear right behind you and cut you up into a million pieces.

"That's ridicu-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Gabe smiled as he heard Rufus scream, followed by the sounds of a chain saw. After a moment, another teller came on the line and Gabe ordered the tickets.

"Well I have some bad news." Said Gabe after Avalanche once again gathered around him. "I was only able to get nine first class tickets. That means two of us will have to ride coach and the other will have to hung by their feet from the wing."

"How are we going to figure out who goes where?" asked Vincent.

"We can draw straws" suggested Aeris.

"Great idea bitch." Grumbled Tifa.

"Kiss my ass!" snapped Aeris.

"Clean your ass!" retorted Tifa

Cloud ignored them and turned to Shera asking her to get some straws. Shera returned a few moments later with the straws and handed them to Cloud. "Okay, the two small ones will fly coach and the smallest will have their legs tied to the wing of the plane." Everyone nodded and grabbed a straw.

"God fucking damn it I lost!" cried Cid kicking a chair over in frustration.

"I lost as well." Sighed Red XIII returning to his corner to rest.

"So who got the smallest one?" asked Gabe.

Everyone looked around and stopped at Yuffie, who had the smallest straw among them. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo I lost!"

"Too bad Materia whore!" grinned Cid whose anger about being in coach disappeared for the moment as he pictured Yuffie hanging by her feet from the wing of a plane by her feet.

Yuffie said nothing and stormed away with Vincent.

"What's wrong with you Cait?" Asked Gabe. "You've been quiet for the all day and you've been twitching."

Cait looked up at Gabe and took a deep breath. "Do you remember a couple days ago when I went with Yuffie and Vincent to the movies?" Gabe nodded. "Well" continued Cait Sith "I went to go get some snacks and when I returned I saw Yuffie and Vincent…." Cait began to choke up.

"Fucking?" asked Gabe. Cait managed to nod. "I saw them holding hands earlier so I figured something had happened. But still that's a picture in my head that's going to give me nightmares for a long time." 

Aeris yanked Cloud next to her. "Come on Cloud let's go get a bikini at that new clothing shop down the street." Before Cloud could reply Aeris pulled him out the door. 

"That little whore!" cried Tifa. She reached over and grabbed Gabe, who was still talking to Cait Sith over to her and pulled him out the door with her.

Yuffie who was making out with Vincent in the corner broke the kiss "Vinny, Take me to the clothing store. I'd look good in a new bathing suit!"

Vincent nodded "You'd look good in anything honey." 

Yuffie blushed and the two left Cid's house. Cait leaned forward on his Moggle holding his stomach. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"What do you mean I can't come?! You guys even bought a ticket for me!" cried Shera angrily to her husband Cid.

"Just what I said woman! This is MY vacation!"

Shera turned very serious and looked Cid right in the eye. "Cid I will ask once and only once, can I come?" 

Despite the fact she was an inch away from Cid, he held his position. "No."

Shera sighed, "Okay Cid if that's how you feel." She took a deep breath and reached over grabbing Cid by the balls. "Are you sure?"

Cid turned five shades of red and shook his head very quickly.

Shera feigned surprise, "Oh? Do you wish to change your mind?" Cid nodded very quickly. Shera squeezed even harder, "So I CAN come?" Cid nodded again and Shera let go very quickly causing Cid to fall over in unspeakable pain. "Thanks Cid! I'll go pack!" With that Shera leaned down and kissed Cid's cheek and walked off. Cid slowly got to his feet as Red XIII who had viewed the entire episode walked up to him. 

"You're pussy whipped." He said blankly. Cid who didn't want to add to his humiliation by speaking in a voice several octaves higher then that of an opera singer said nothing in reply and limped away to go find an ice pack.

"Ohhhh Cloud how about this one?" Aeris held up a bikini in front of her and turned to Cloud who much to Aeris's annoyance had fallen asleep again. "WAKE UP!" 

Cloud snapped awake and looked around. Aeris stood in front of him and held up the bikini. "Do you like this bikini?" 

Cloud yawned and nodded. "Yes it's great in fact it's the greatest piece of clothing I've ever seen. Let's pay for it and get the hell out of here." Aeris glared and put the bikini in a bag that had five others and walked to the counter with Cloud.

"There's too many to choose!" complained Tifa picking up bikini after bikini and being unable to pick one she liked.

Gabe grabbed a random one off the rack and showed it to Tifa. "How about this one?"

Tifa eyed it for a moment then brightened, "Hey, yea that's perfect. I'm going to go try it on!" Tifa snatched the bikini away and ran into the dressing room.

"That was hard." Thought Gabe sarcastically. A moment later Tifa burst out of the dressing room pale as a ghost. "What wrong?" asked Gabe grabbing Tifa's shoulders. Tifa who was shaking lifted her hand up slowly and pointed to the dressing room where PeeWee Herman emerged from stuffing a porno magazine in his jacket and zipping his pants up. 

He looked at Tifa and Gabe and a long evil grin slowly creeped up his face. "Welcome to my Play House boys and girls!"

Gabe quietly turned to Tifa and mouthed the words "Run." Before they could run however Bruce Willis jumped down armed with an uzi. Bruce pumped a few hundred bullets into PeeWee and turned to Gabe and Tifa. 

"See you guys later!" he waved putting the uzi away and walking away.

Gabe turned to Tifa, "Lets go pay for these before the Teletubbies pop out of there or something." Tifa nodded and they both went to the counter.

"Come on Gabe all of us except Cid and Shera are going back to the 7th Heaven for the night, are you coming?" Gabe nodded. "What about Vincent and Yuffie? We left the clothing store over three hours ago."

"Who gives a shit?" asked Marlene

Barret's eyes widened, "Marlene don't you EVER, EVER say that!"

"Why not?" asked Cloud, "It's true."

Barret said nothing and was about to walk out with Marlene but was stopped as Yuffie and Vincent burst in, Yuffie adjusting her top and brushing the dirt off her back. "Sorry we're late everyone." She said. "We had some uh…extra shopping to do."

Once again Cait leaned down on his Moggle and clutched his stomach. "The pain…the pain."

"So Cloud who are you going with to bed tonight?" asked Tifa as Avalanche and Gabe walked into Tifa's 7th Heaven.

"Aeris." Replied Cloud walking away with Aeris who turned around to flip off Tifa as they walked away. Tifa said nothing, only mumbling something about revenge in Hawaii and storming away. Since they had to leave at 6:30 am everyone packed and went to sleep.

"Okay jack offs wake the fuck up!" yelled Cid walking into 7th Heaven with Shera. Tifa walked past him and dropped her bag near the door.

"We ARE awake dumb ass." 

"Well let's go then." Snapped Cid walking out the door as the others followed one by one until everyone was in the buggy and speeding to Shinra Airport.

"Well we've got an hour to get our plane." Said Gabe as Avalanche sat down in the Airport.

"I'll get the tickets." Said Cloud getting up and walking away.

"I can't believe I have to be hung from the wing of the plane by my feet." Grumbled Yuffie angrily.

"I can believe it." Said Cid lighting a cigarette.

"Why?"

"Because, you're a dirty, Materia whore!"

"Fuck you! You dirty old man!"

"Not even if Shera squeezed my balls for an hour."

"Leave her alone." Snapped Vincent snapping his monster arm at Cid."

"Make me Count Chocula!" snorted Cid.

"I think I'm going to make sure I sit in the back." Sighed Gabe putting his face into his hands.

Cloud rolled his eyes as he walked to the only empty ticket booth to see Reno standing behind it. "Let me guess this is going to cost me 999 baziliion gill right?"

"That's right, unless we can work something out."

"Like what?"

"What are you doing Friday night?"

"Well I'm going to-HEY!!!!" Cloud pulled out his Ultimate Weapon and Climhazzarded Reno. Then after several moments of shuddering at what Reno had been suggesting, walked over to another line to get the tickets. 

Gabe breathed a sigh of relief as he leaned into his chair next to Cloud and Aeris and across from Tifa and Barret. Behind him was Cait Sith, Marlene and Shera. In the front of first class sat Vincent, angry that he was not sitting with Yuffie. In coach Red XIII sat in the very back of the plane and Cid sat in the middle, while Yuffie was hung from the wing of the plane which took off and headed non-stop for Hawaii. 

"Hey Barret what's wrong?" asked Tifa, concerned at the look of Terror on Barrets face.

"I…I'm scared of flying." Stammered Barret clutching the armrest as tight as he could, sweating profusely.

"Oh." Said Tifa trying not to laugh. "Well I'll get you through it, don't worry." Barret managed to nod and looked out the window and gulped while Tifa reassuringly patted him on the back.

"Shit why the hell do I always have to sit with the fucking weirdo's?" grumbled Cid kicking the seat in front of him.

"There's something on the wing!!!!" cried William Shatner turning from the window to Cid.

"So fucking what?!"

"Look for yourself!" ranted William Shatner.

Cid sighed and leaned over, looked outthe window and, saw a demon sitting on the wing slowly tearing the wing apart. Cid looked at the twitching William Shatner and came up with a solution to his problem. He reached over and opened the window and shoved William Shatner out and into the path of the winged demon who grabbed him and tore him apart in one swift motion before flying away. Cid smiled and leaned back ignoring the _No Smoking _sign and lighting a cigarette.

"Hobbes?" said Red XIII in surprise.

"Red XIII… from the deathmatch right? Good to see you again."

"Same to you." Replied Red XIII. "Where's your little hyper midget friend?"

"We couldn't afford two plane tickets thanks to that cheap fuck Bill. So Calvin had to hung by his feet on the right wing of the plane. What about your ninja friend?"

"On….the rig..ht…w..ing…..uh oh." Red XIII and Hobbes ran to a window and looked out to see Yuffie and Calvin locked in combat punching the hell out of each other despite the fact they where barley hanging to the wing.

"They should be fine." Said Hobbes.

"Sure, wanna go get some peanuts?" asked Red XIII.

"Sounds good to me lets go." With that Red XIII and Hobbes left Calvin and Yuffie to fight it out on the right wing of the plane.

"Hey!" the stewardess bolted around as she felt a hand slap her ass. Expecting to see some lonely, perverted, piece of shit drunk or a Shinra Executive. Instead she saw a small cat wearing a crown on his head and next to him sat a huge Moggle. 

"What time you get off work?" grinned Cait.

"Why should I tell you?" she asked angrily.

"Because I-" The Moggle slapped his shoulder, Cait glared "We could give you pleasure I bet you've never had before."

"Really? Well okay, here's my phone number." The stewardess pulled out a pen and a piece of paper and jotted a number down and handed it to Cait.

"Snoginns." Cait grinned and handed the it to the Moggle who put it in his mouth and swallowed it.

"Told you I had a way with the ladies."

Gabe who had been watching the entire event shook his head. "He's been watching Dogma way too much."

"Tiiiiiiiiiiifaaaaaaaaa I don't wanna diieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Barret for the 19th time in the last two hours. 

Tifa who was at the end of her rope, grabbed Barret by his jacket and pulled him away from the window and into her face. "Barret, for the last time shut the fuck up! The goddamn plane will land! So during the time it is still in the air it won't crash. Until then put on your headphones, watch the piece of shit movie I don't care JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She pushed Barret back who sat in shock and stayed that way for the rest of the plane trip. Tifa smiled and as the stewardess walked by ordered a drink.

Finally after a daylong plane trip Avalanche landed in Hawaii. "Yuffie!" exclaimed Vincent, "What happened to you? Your clothes are torn up and you look like shit." Yuffie said nothing and stormed ahead of the others.

"How the hell are we supposed to get around?" groaned Cid carrying his overnight bag and Shera's six suitcases.

Before anyone could answer Cid they stopped as they came to a limo driver, holding up a sign that said _AVALANCHE_. "Who ordered the limo?" asked Barret holding four carry on bags in one hand and Marlene on his shoulder.

"I did." Replied Gabe. "But there's only room for eight so two will have to go in the trunk."

As they got to the limo, Yuffie didn't say a word and threw herself in the trunk then motioned for Vincent to come in too. A rare grin appeared on Vincent's face as he got into the trunk and closed it just as everyone got into the limo and drove to the hotel.

"Wow this is a pretty nice hotel." Remarked Red XIII getting out of the limo along with the rest of Avalanche which had just pulled up to a beautiful hotel.

"Doe's Shinra own it?" asked Aeris.

"No." replied Gabe holding the door open for everyone.

"Thank god." Said Cloud.

"I'll go get our keys and stuff." Offered Barret. "Go for it." Agreed Cloud. Barret walked to the counter and returned a moment later with six keys and six bellboys. "Here Cloud and Aeris get one room. Tifa, Cait and, Gabe in another. Me and Marlene are gonna be in a room. Cid, Shera and Red are gonna be in another room and Vincent and Yuffie get the sixth room." He handed everyone their keys and everyone broke off into their groups following their bellboys to their rooms as it was decided that everyone would relax in their rooms and hit the beaches tomorrow.

"What time is it?" asked Cid.

"11:30." Sighed Red XIII.

"God damn it will those two ever quit?!" cried Cid referring to the loud moaning and panting coming from the room of Aeris and Cloud which was right next to theirs.

'This is the worse then the time you spent the night at Me and Shera's house and Shera's cat Mr.Bong got you drunk and had sex with you!"

"Shut up."

Cid smiled and seeing his cigarette had gone out lit another. He wished Red wasn't here so he and Shera could get down to some serious business but since that couldn't happen Cid found other ways to extract pleasure.

Up a couple floors Gabe, Cait Sith and, Tifa where faced with a similar problem. "How can anyone go at it like they have for four straight hours?" asked Tifa pacing around after her unsuccessful attempt at sleep.

"Don't ask me." Replied Gabe sitting on the couch flipping through channels.

"When can I hook up my Playstation2?" whined Cait Sith jumping up and down on his Moggle.

Gabe looked over at Cait Sith. "You brought a Playstation2? Which games do you have?"

"All of them." Replied Cait Sith.

"Why the hell didn't you say so? Hook it up already!" he turned around to face Tifa. "Do you wanna play?" 

Tifa shook her head. "It sounds like their finally slowing down so I'm going to go to sleep."

Gabe shrugged and turned back to Cait who had hooked it up and put a game in. "What are we playing?"

"Dead Or Alive 2."

"Watch me beat you like an unruly school child." Taunted Gabe picking up a controller while Tifa finally drifted off to sleep.

Later on in the night when Cid, Shera, and Red had finally gone to sleep Cloud and Aeris lay in bed watching TV. "Hey look." Exclaimed Cloud stopping on Cinemax. "The original Nightmare on Elm St. is on. This is my favorite movie."

"I don't wanna watch it Freddy Krueger scares me." Replied Aeris shaking her head. As she said this out of the TV burst Freddy Krueger, his finger knives raised high, and an evil sneer on his lips.

"Did I hear someone day their scared of me?" 

"Fuck off you burnt bastard!" cried Cloud jumping out of bed and realizing as he jumped out that he was wearing no clothes. Freddy stopped dead and was silent for a moment before letting out a long girlish scream and exploding. Feeling slightly embarrassed Cloud slipped back into bed with Aeris and went to sleep.

"Why the hell do YOU get the best room?" asked Cid, as Avalanche was in Gabe, Tifa and Cait Sith's room the next morning planning the day.

"Because, not only do I kick ass but I'm also the author." Replied Gabe annoyed.

"So, who's going to the beach besides Aeris and I?" asked Cloud. Gabe, Tifa, and Cait Sith all raised their hands.

"I'm taking Marlene to some theme park." Sighed Barret.

"I'm going to go get dru-ow!" Cid was briefly winded as Shera elbowed him in the stomach. "I'm taking Shera shopping."

"What about you Red?" asked Cloud.

"I think I'm just going to explore."

"What about you two?" asked Cloud to Vincent and Yuffie.

Yuffie grinned, "Vinny and I are staying in."

Cloud shuddered, "Okay, lets meet back at the hotels restaurant at eight pm." Everyone nodded and walked out.

"Hey, here's a good empty spot." Said Gabe. Tifa and Aeris in one of their first ever known acts of working together placed a large blanket down.

"I'm going to make the greatest sand castle ever!" announced Cait Sith hopping away quickly.

"Cloud." Asked Aeris in a voice that made Tifa's stomach turn. "Can you put lotion on my back?"

"Sure honey." Smiled Cloud squirting some lotion on Aeris's back and slowly rubbing it in."

"Please have Tifa ask me to rub lotion on her back in an attempt to make Cloud jealous. Please have Tifa ask me to rub lotion on her back in an attempt to make Cloud jealous. Please have Tifa ask me to rub lotion on her back in an attempt to make Cloud jealous. Please have Tifa ask me to rub lotion on her back in an attempt to make Cloud jealous." Mumbled Gabe quietly over and over again.

Tifa glared at Aeris before an idea came to her. She turned to Gabe and smiled before asking, in a voice that was an imitation of Aeris's, "Gabe, could YOU rub lotion on my back?"

"You're damn right I-I mean, sure." Gabe put some of the lotion on his hands and rubbed it into Tifa's back. Tifa looked over to Cloud expecting to see how he would react. Gabe continued to rub the lotion into Tifa's back and looked up and nearly fell over in shock. "Holy shit, Is that Krista?" Gabe in a brief moment of complete stupidity jumped up and ran over to see if it was true.

Tifa sat up and saw Aeris and Cloud staring into each others eyes and grumbled smacking the lotion bottle away. "I'm not beat yet. I'll get Cloud to love me yet." With that she stormed away.

"Hey Krista, this is great! How did you get here?" exclaimed Gabe discovering this was indeed his close friend Krista.

"A plane." She replied.

"Why are you here?"

"I heard Eric was here so I came here to search for him." 

"Still haven't met him eh?"

"No." replied Krista sadly.

"Well, I'll walk around with you and help you."

"Thanks Gabe." Smiled Krista.

At that moment Gabe realized what he had done back there with Tifa, closed his eyes and shook his head. But said nothing and continued to walk with Krista.

Red XIII finally got comfortable, yawned and, closed his eyes. Just as he did in Costa De Sol, he found a nice shady spot under a building and decided to spend his time here relaxing.

"Hey Red!" 

Red opened his eyes to see Calvin and Hobbes standing in front of him, both wearing shorts. "Hey Hobbes, Calvin." He yawned again and stood up stretching as he did."What are you both up to?"

"I'm taking Calvin to a souvenir shop." Replied Hobbes.

Red nodded, " You know,You two spend an awful lot of time together."

Calvin and Hobbes eyes snapped up and glared at Red XIII. "What did you say?"

"I just said you two spend an awful lot of time together."

Hobbes grabbed Red XIII by the throat and shoved him against the wall. "We're not gay! That article in the Enquirerer was a load of horse shit!"

"Gay..? article…?" stammered Red XIII confused. Before Red could say anything Calvin jumped on him and attacked and as Red was fighting him off Hobbes attacked him as well.

"Wanna go again?" mused Yuffie as Vincent lit a cigarette.

"Hey! You little shit! Look what the fuck you did to my god damn sand castle!" cried Cait Sith as a 3rd group of hyper, small children ran by trampling his masterpiece of a sandcastle. Cait gathered up all the sand and went back to rebuilding. "One more time…One more time."

"Papa! I wanna go on another ride!" squealed Marlene holding a stuffed animal and jumping up and down.

Barret who had just been on a ride where you are huge upside down 150 feet from the ground and thrown back and forth from one platform to the next, over a pit of fire groaned. "Which one?"

"_Super Mecca triple up side twister ride of death_!"

Barret said nothing as the five-chili dogs he had eaten before going on the last ride caught up with him and he ran into the nearby bathroom.

"No Yuffie, I think 12 times is enough." Snapped Vincent pushing Yuffie off of him.

"Hawaii kicks ass." Exclaimed Gabe who was still walking along the beach with Krista helping search for Eric.

"Yea." agreed Krista. "Oh my god! Look at that!" Krista pointed several feet ahead of them where Cait Sith was pounding on some unfortunate man who had crashed into the sandcastle trying to catch a Frisbee.

"This will teach you sons of bitches to trample my fucking sandcastles!!!" screamed Cait Sith who was now jumping up and down on the man with Moggle. Gabe and Krista ran over and grabbed Cait and Moggle and pulled them away Cait clawing in the air screaming obscenities.

"Jesus Red! You look like shit!" exclaimed Gabe.

"Don't ask." Grumbled Red who had managed to escape from Calvin and Hobbes.

"I'm hungry as hell, when are we going to eat?" asked Cid sitting down at a table later that night where the rest of Avalanche sat.

"It's a hotel restaurant so there can't be much." Replied Cloud looking over the menu.

"Are you feeling better Cait?" asked Gabe.

Cait Sith nodded, "Yea….I guess….I have a few more days to try and make the greatest sandcastle ever so it's no big deal. By the way who was that girl you where with?"

"Krista." Replied Gabe. "I figured a good way to confuse the hell out of the three or so people that read this is by brining in a person no ones ever heard of and refer to things they have no idea about."

"Where is she now?"

"No idea but she'll be back later on."

"Oh." Was all Cait manged to say, picking up the menu.

Tifa looked at Cloud and Aeris whose eyes had never left one another and said nothing only glaring. "Just wait I'm not through yet. I'll sleep with someone THAT'LL make Cloud jealous." She looked around the table. "But who?" She scanned the entire room with her eyes before stopping. "I'll sleep with Gabe." She stopped at that comment. She knew she liked Gabe a little and thought if it would be a good idea to use someone she actually liked. But after that moment thoughts of making Cloud jealous swarmed her head and she forgot about it in a second.

"The next time we go on vacation." Began Cid later that night when everyone had gone back to their rooms, "We go on vacation, I am going to make sure my room isn't next to two sex crazed maniacs."

"I hope they quit soon." Sighed Red XIII. "I'm tired."

"Hey we where tired that time you fucked Mr. Bong but we didn't bitch about it!" snapped Cid.

"Why do you keep brining that up?" growled Red XIII

"Because I can!"

"Cid, leave Nanaki alone." Sighed Shera who was writing a post card to send to a friend in Rocket Town.

"No!"

Shera looked up from her post card and gave Cid and evil smile. "Leave Nanaki alone or I'll tell him about the outfit you want me to dress up in."

Cid turned deathly silent then stood up. "I'm gonna go get a beer." He stormed out nearly shoving Barret back.

"Hey foo! Watch where the hell you're going!" He shook his head and walked into the room. "Hey shera, Can Marlene sleep with you all tonight?"

"Sure Barret, why?"

"I'm going out on the town." Replied Barret.

"It's no problem, why are you wearing your sailor suit?"

"Pick up chicks! I figure I'll have a better chance at getting women to talk to me if I wear this."

"Good plan." Replied Shera. "Have fun." Barret nodded and leaned down and kissed his daughter and walked out.

"I find something disturbing in the fact that he still had that suit." Said Red XIII

Shera nodded and went back to her post card.

"Hey, This is great." Said Gabe laying on the couch reading a magazine. "Vincent and Yuffie are so exhausted we may actually get some sleep tonight."

"I knew those two had a limit." Said Cait Sith sitting next to his Moggle playing Tekken Tag Tournament.

"Hey Tifa." Asked Gabe looking up from his magazine. "Are you okay? You've been quiet all night."

Tifa sat down next to Gabe and smiled, I'm fine. I was just about to watch some TV want to watch with me?"

"Sure." Gabe yawned and sat up sitting next to Tifa.

"Gabe?"

"Yea?"

"I just wanted to tell you that since you've been coming to visit us I've grown to really like you."

Gabe kept himself from turning red. " T..Thanks Tifa." Despite the fact he had had a crush on Tifa since the first time he played Final Fantasy 7 he kept his head. "But I thought you where in love with Cloud."

Tifa was about to say something but stopped and began to cry. 'I can't do it! I knew I shouldn't have tried this on someone I liked!"

"What's wrong Tifa?"

Tifa wiped some of her tears away. "I want to make Cloud jealous so I decided to pick someone in the group and sleep with them. I picked you because I actaully like you. I thought it wuld be easy if I picked someone I liked but when the time came I realized I couldn't do it."

Gabe was silent before getting up and walking out the door.

Tifa sighed and curled up into a ball on the couch. "Hey Tifa." Asked Cait Sith.

"What Cait."

"I'll sleep with you."

40 seconds later

"Tifa!!! Come on don't hang me by my tail from the balcony! It's like 50 stories down! I was only kidding! Come on!" Cait tried to pull himself up but to no avail. "Where's my Moggle? Tifa? TIFFFFFAAAAAA!!"

Tifa shut the sliding balcony door and fell on her bed to try and sleep.

"The Toolshed." Said Barret reading the huge neon sign in front of him. "Well since this is the only damn bar I've seen in the last twenty minutes I'll go in here." Barret straightened his sailor suit and walked in. "Awful lot of guys in here." Thought Barret sitting down at the counter. He ordered a drink and looked around. "Too many guys." He tapped his foot as he listened to the music then stopped as he realized it was Michael Jackson. "The only bar I know that would play music like that is a gay b-" Barret stopped as a horrible realization came to him. Before he could do anything however a big burly man walked up to him.

"Hey handsome! You come here often?"

With that Barret let out a long girlish scream and began firing Big Shots in every direction. When he was done the place lay in ruins. Barret breathing heavily and turned around to see the big burly man still standing next to him black smoke coming from his head and shoulders. "I take that as a no?"

"Gabe?" Gabe slowly opened his eyes and sat up. He realized it was morning and in front of him was Avalanche except for Vincent and Yuffie. As well as Shera and Marlene

"Why are you sleeping on the lobby couch?" asked Aeris.

Gabe looked over at Tifa who quickly looked away and yawned stretching his arms and standing up. "I wanted to get another room but they said they wouldn't have a spare one until this morning so I slept out here for the night." Before anyone could question him further he walked out. Cloud shrugged and turned back to the others. "So we'll let meet back here for dinner. Let's mosey!"

"Damn! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say move out or something?" snapped Cid 

"That joke is REALLY old." He rolled his eyes, "Move out!" Everyone walked out of the hotel and broke off to enjoy Hawaii.

"Oh shit." Thought Red frantically. "There's Calvin." Red turned around and attempted to walk away when out of nowhere Hobbes jumped out and tackled Red with Calvin joining in a moment later.

"Cid! This is it! The perfect gift!" exclaimed Shera stopping at the window of a Hawaiian jewelry shop. 

"What now?" sighed Cid peering into the window and seeing a beautiful necklace in a display case. He noticed the price tag and he nearly choked. "That damn thing's 90 million gill!"

Shera jumped up. "Oh Cid can you buy it for me please? please? please?"

"Fine." Cid shook his head. "You wait out here I'll go buy it." Cid pushed the door open and walked in. "I liked her better when she was guilt ridden and easy to boss around."

"Well, hello there sir what can I do for you?"

Cid glared at the annoying clerk behind the counter. "Shut the fuck up! I wanna buy that necklace in the window."

The clerks eyes exploded with dollar signs and he smiled reaching behind the counter and pulling one out and putting in on the table. "Is there some kind of payment plan?" asked Cid who felt that new paint job and engine for the Highwind getting smaller and smaller by the minute.

"No sir, we ask for all payment up front."

"Is there any other way?" cried Cid who refused to go out there and bare Shera's wrath.

"Well there is one but, it's so impossible that no one would ever want to attempt it."

"Well I want to. What is it?"

"Defeat a dozen Bill Gates robots." Replied the clerk grinning evilly.

Cid who in his mind had defeated far more imposing enigmas burst out laughing. "Is that all? Well shit man lead the way!" 

The clerk said nothing only smiling and motioning for Cid to follow him into the back room.

"Well there they are." Said the clerk after what seemed like an eternity of walking through a long black hallway.

"This is gonna be too easy." Grinned Cid taking a long drag out of his cigarette. He saw the dozen Bill Gates robots standing in front of him and charged catching one in the jaw. The moment his punch connected however the other eleven attacked and completely overwhelmed him with martial arts moves. The clerk grinned as he watched Cid go flying past him and crash into a wall.

"You didn't tell me those fucking things knew kung fu!!" cried Cid getting up.

"Had enough?"

"Not by a long shot!" Cid pulled out Venus Gospel and charged impaling one of the robots. As he did another one came at him and tried to kick him in the head but Cid ducked and in one swift motion pulled out the Venus Gospel and drove it into the others head while kicking two more back and uppercutting another. As he was fighting four back, he turned around and to his horror saw the one he thought he killed liquefy itself back to normal. "Holy shit! These things are T-1000's!!!" Cid turned around to attack it and was nailed in the back, kicked in the head and, thrown into the wall.

"Will you be paying with a check, cash or a major credit card?" asked the clerk still watching the fight.

"Fuck you." Cid got to his feet and felt around in his pocket. "Where is it…I know it's here somwhere-ah ha!" Cid pulled out a mastered Ice Materia and grinned. He turned around and pointed it at the Bill Gates T-1000's. "So long lame fucks! Ahahahahahah." Cid cast Ice3 and watched as all of the Bill Gates instantly turned into a dozen Bill Gates shaped pop sickles.

"Now, Give me that damn necklace!" snapped Cid standing in the front of the counter with the clerk.

The clerk said nothing and thrust the necklace into Cid's hands. "Take it and leave."

"Wait." Said Cid putting the necklace down. "I just can't go and take this, I should give you something?"

The clerk looked up hopeful, "Yea? What?"

"THIS!' Cid pulled out the Venus Gospel and drove the clerk into the wall then pulled the spear upwards c slicing the clerk in half. Just as he was about to leave an idea came to Cid who quickly reached behind the counter grabbed all the money he could and walked back outside to give Shera the necklace.

"Gabe, there you are." 

Gabe who was standing in a music store with Krista looking at CD's turned around to see Tifa. "Oh hey Tifa." Said Gabe trying to forget what had happened last night.

"Can I talk to you over here for a moment?"

"Sure." Tifa took Gabe's arm and pulled him into another aisle.

"Gabe, about last night, I'm sorry I tried to use you like that? I really do like you. But I realized if I did what I planned to do all it would do would make you like me when I'm still trying to get Cloud. I'm not making any sense."

"Sure you are." replied Gabe. "I like you too to be honest. Maybe we can go out sometime."

" Maybe but I still want to try and get Cloud." Said Tifa quietly looking down.

Gabe nodded, "I understand, I'll see you and the rest of the guys at dinner." Before Tifa could reply Gabe turned around and walked back to Krista. Tifa didn't say anything only turning and walking away.

"I heard the whole thing. Sorry Gabe." Said Krista.

"It's no big deal." Sighed Gabe.

"I was wondering something, Seeing how you're the author and all and you have that Authors fan fic power don't you know what is going to happen?"

"Not really." Replied Gabe. "This is a lot different then what I had in mind and I'm sort of making it up as I go along so I have no idea where this will lead."

"So in order for people to find out they're going to have to read future stories?"

"Exactly, come on lets continue this search for Eric thing." Krista nodded and walked ahead while Gabe turned around and took one last look at Tifa before turning around and catching up with Krista.

"Ahhhhhhhh not again! Some clumsy little shit destroyed my fucking sandcastle AGAIN!!! God damn it!!!!!" Cait Sith jumped up in the air and chased after the four little kids who trampled over the sandcastle with murderous intentions.

"Ow! Vinny my legs don't bend back so far!" wailed Yuffie

Red knew he was finished against Calvin and Hobbes. He charged at Calvin with a Blood Fang but was speared by Hobbes in mid air. "This will teach you for calling us gay!!!" cried Calvin punching Red in the stomach while Hobbes held him down.

"Snootch to the mother fucking nooooooootch." Calvin and Hobbes looked up to see two figures drop next to them. One of them picked Calvin up kicked him in the stomach several times then grabbed his head and twisted it off. Hobbes drew his claws and swung at one of the figures who jumped over him and grabbed his tail and in one swift motion grabbed his tail and wrapped it around his throat. Hobbes tried to buck whoever was doing this off but couldn't and soon slumped down.

Red XIII slowly lifted himself up and to his shock saw that his two saviors where Jay and Silent Bob. "Sup Cat Dog." Grinned Jay. Silent Bob nodded a greeting and lit himself a cigarette. 

"Thank you." Said Red XIII.

"Don't thank me I was ready to let them beat your ass but Lunchbox over here ran in so I followed." 

"How can I repay you?"

"I got a pretty good idea." Grinned Jay.

Red shook his head and grumbled. "What am I supposed to do with forty pounds of weed?" He looked back and saw Jay and Silent Bob walking off and walked in the opposite direction.

Later that night everyone was once again at the hotel restaurant eating dinner. "So what should we do tomorrow since it's our last day?" asked Aeris.

"There's this cruise ship thing where this luxury cruise liner takes you on a tour. It lasts like the entire day. Who want's to go." Asked Cloud surprised that everyone put up their hand.

"Fine, We gotta be there at eight."

"I'm brining my friend Krista." Said Gabe taking a bite out of his cheeseburger.

Tifa watched everyone talking and said nothing. She felt a little better about what had happened earlier and now was back to plotting revenge against Tifa. When everyone was finished they went to their rooms and for the first time on the vacation every one with the exception of Cid, Shera, and Red XIII who had to put up with Cloud and Aeris had a peaceful night of sleep.

"Holy shit, this is a huge boat!"

"Marlene! Don't ever say that!" scolded Barret.

"That's one foul mouthed little kid." 

"Shut up Cid you chain smoking ass! You're the one who has a swear word in every other sentence!"

"Will you two quit it?" snapped Cloud. 

"Cloud, I wanna get a tan."

"Sure Aeris, anyone else coming?"

An evil idea suddenly came to Tifa who raised her hand "I will!"

"I will too." Said Krista. She turned to Gabe. "Are you going to come?" 

"Sure, I have nothing better to do."

"I'm taking Marlene to the toy store they're supposed to have down below." Said Barret.

"Me, Shera and Red are going down to the pool to relax." Said Cid looking frightening in swimming trunks.

"Yuffie, Cait Sith and myself will be exploring the cruise. Liner." Said Vincent.

Cloud was about to say, "Let's mosey!" but thought better of it and simply walked off with Aeris and the others while the rest of Avalanche went to do their things.

"Look Cloud there's the tanning bed." Aeris let go of his hand and ran into a small room with three tanning beds. 

"I think I'll get a tan too." Decided Cloud opening up the bed on the left and sliding into it while Krista took the middle one and Aeris took the right one.

"I'm going to go get a soda." Said Gabe who didn't want to be alone with Tifa. 

Tifa grinned evilly. "At last." She quietly snuck up to the device that set the level of heat on the tanning bed and pulled it back to "God damn! That's fucking hot!" and stood back all smiles. At first nothing happened then, Tifa noticed Aeris start to squirm then she let out a horrified scream and tried to jump out but couldn't push the tanning bed up. By now Cloud and Krista jumped out of the tanning beds and pulled Aeris out who was beat red and sobbing. 

"What happened to Aeris?" exclaimed Gabe walking into the room.

"She got burned on the tanning bed." Replied Cloud he turned back to her and slowly helped her out with Krista following behind. Gabe looked over at Tifa who still had a smirk on her face.

"You did that?" Tifa nodded. Gabe smiled, "Not bad." He turned and walked out leaving Tifa to shine in her moment of triumph.

"This is it?" asked Yuffie in disbelief as Yuffie, Vincent and, Cait Sith stood in a large room that was supposed to be where the amusement park was.

"There's a ride over there." replied Cait Sith. The three walked over to a building roughly the size of a trailer which had a cart and some tracks leading out of it.

"You wanna ride?" asked a seedy looking man standing next to the ride.

The three shrugged and paid three dollars each and sat in the cart. "This is going to be such a stupid ride." Complained Yuffie as the seedy looking man pulled a lever and the cart slowly moved into the small building.

"Okay Marlene you go ahead and look at the toys but don't talk to strangers. I'll be right in this aisle." Marlene nodded and ran off. Barret sighed and walked along the aisle looking at toys he stopped at one toy and picked it up. "This thing looks stupid as hell what is this?" he scanned to the top of the box which read _Chucky Doll_. He noticed the words "Try Me" on the side and flipped the box over to see the string hanging out of the back. He pulled the string and flipped the box back over.

"Hi I'm Chucky wanna play?"

Barret chuckled, "Cute." He pulled the string again.

"Hi, I'm your friend to the end!"

"I bet Marlene would like this thing." Thought Barret pulling the string a third time.

"Hi I'm Chucky wanna…..DIE?"

Barret let out his trademark girlish scream and dropped the box which began jumping up and down before Chucky burst out of the box knife in hand. "I'm gonna get out of this fucking body and you're gonna help me!!" Chucky lunged at Barret who turned and ran but as soon as he came around the corner he came to a dead end and realized he was trapped. He spun around and saw Chucky slowly coming towards him laughing madly. Barret aimed his gun arm at Chucky and fired three shots at Chucky igniting him into flames, but still Chucky moved on. 

"Lemme alone you damn doll!" cried Barret "Big Shot!" Barret nearly fell back as a Big Shot blasted Chucky sending him flying back into the other side of the store in a huge explosion.

"Daddy! There you are!" Barret's heart nearly jumped into his throat as he turned he turned to his right to see Marlene. "Are you okay? I heard an explosion." 

Barret wiped some sweat away from his head and managed to smile. Taking his daughter by the hand and walking through the aisle towards the exit.

"Papa look!" Barret turned around and to his horror saw the Chucky doll sitting on the shelf sneering at him.

"Papa wake up! Papa!" Marlene leaned down and tried to revive her father who had just fainted.

"Wow did that ever suck." remarked Gabe as every one got off the cruise liner.

"Yea, thanks for wasting our entire day." Snapped Cid who actually had a decent day but still felt the need to complain.

"Shut up, no one asked you to come." Retorted Cloud still holding Aeris who by now wasn't as red but was still badly burned.

"Are you coming with us?" asked Gabe walking alongside Krista. 

Krista shook her head "No I'm going to continue my quest to find Eric." 

"Suit yourself." Gabe leaned over and hugged his friend. "See you around." Krista returned the hug and slowly walked off.

"What happened to these three?" asked Red XIII referring to Vincent, Yuffie, and Cait Sith who where in a state of catatonic.

"No idea." Replied Cloud. "They haven't said a word since we found them in the dumspter behind the ships restaurant.

Everyone returned home and that night enjoyed the only blissful night of sleep due to Aeris's burns and Yuffie and Vincent's state of catatonic which lasted well into the morning.

"I don't want to take the damn plane." Whined Cloud as Avalanche, Shera, Marlene and, Gabe stood outside the hotel the next morning.

'We don't have to." Replied Gabe who decided to mercifully end this fan fic and within moments the Highwind appeared and landed.

"Kick ass." Was all Cloud could say as everyone got onto the Highwind which rose into the sky and shot off for home.

"Hey!" smiled Yuffie a few hours after coming out of her catatonic. "At least I don't have to be hung from the wing again!"

"Oh yea?" grinned Cid.

"Awww come on guys don't do this again!" cried Yuffie hanging from the back of the Highwind. "I'm scared of heights come on!" Yuffie's cries where in vain as the Highwind continued to shoot through the sky at break neck speed for Midgar.


End file.
